To make this diet work you’ll need the following:
1. Digital scale
2. Measuring cups/spoons
3. Notepad and pen
The method is simple. Find your Basal Metabolic Rate, or BMR. This is your base caloric need. Then, the night before, calculate the following day’s projected caloric burn by adding in exercise or other activities. Once you know the total, create your meal plan for the day, and stick to it. No whining or moaning or pissing about how hungry you are. It’s a frigging diet. Of course you’re hungry. It’s a diet, dummy. If you’re not hungry, IT’S NOT WORKING. The plan will change daily depending on your caloric burn. That’s all there is to it, unfortunately.
This is not a froo-froo exercise in losing weight. It’s hard. It’s brutal. It will change the way you see the world, maybe forever. It will certainly change you.
There’s no secret here. When the hunger sets in, you must endure it until the next meal. It will reoccur immediately after the meal. That’s “immediately” as in “right away without a pause.” There will be little to no respite. Your whole life will be organized not around food…but around hunger.
I’m pretty sure that this diet is the wrong one for you, but it’s been the right one for me, which is why I’m sharing it. As unique as I wish I were, I’m not, and someone out there in Internetland will benefit from this. But not you.
Along the way I’ve picked up some tips and tricks, but they’re nothing more than that. The real challenge is enduring hunger; it’s 98% of the battle. “Eat this, not that” type discussions do nothing more than hide the ball, with a few exceptions noted below. If you want a diet cookbook with tasty recipes, go to the frigging bookstore. It won’t help you lose one stinking pound, but you’ll eat more. So there’s that.
–You’ll be on a hugely restricted diet, like, for the rest of your life. It’s not fun. Get used to it.
–The only way to effectively endure hunger is by eating in volume. It will only briefly lessen, not eliminate, your ravenous hunger. This means lots vegetables, raw ones or lightly steamed/boiled. If you can’t eat these things without oil-based dressings, sauces, and the like, move on. This diet won’t work for you.
–Eat the salad first. People who eat dessert first are fat, because they also eat dessert last. Hopefully the volume of salad will make you (slightly) less melancholy when the 200 g of chicken is gone and you’re staring at the empty plate, dreaming about breakfast eight hours hence.
–Quit drinking. This diet won’t work if you’re a drunk. Period.
–Get ready for your waking hours to change radically. You will be so fucking hungry that you’ll pop out of bed well before five AM no matter how tired you are. That’s how hunger works. The up side is that you’ll be productive as hell.
–This diet is about preparing your own food and deciding how much to eat. Not the restaurant, not the company that made the frozen food, not your significant other…you. You’re the new CEO of Your Body, Inc., and you’re the one making the decisions and taking responsibility for the consequences.
–People will criticize you, especially as you start to drop the pounds. Ignore them.
–Dieting has two phases, not including the phase where you give up and gain back all the weight. The first phase is weight loss, which is hell, but somehow manageable because you have a goal and are moving towards it. The second phase is the plateau, where you’ve reached the goal and wonder, “IS THIS ALL THERE IS?” Answer: Yes. You’re still the same old girl you used to be. Or boy. No diet can provide you with inner meaning or satisfaction. If this is just a short-term means to an end, don’t bother. Life is too short to waste it counting calories and measuring shit on a kitchen scale. But if, along the way, or as part of the way, you’re the beneficiary of emotional, spiritual, psychological, medical, or physical change that puts you in a better place than you were when you started, well, keep at it.
–The older we get, the fewer true pleasures we have in life. Food is one of them. Don’t ruin the intimacy and sacred pleasure of eating with a dumb diet. Enjoy the food. Whatever you do, enjoy the food.
–Exercise will not help you lose weight directly, but it will fill your non-eating time with activity that keeps you out of the fridge. It has other benefits as well, but I don’t know what they are. Lower blood pressure, maybe.
–If you still hate the low-cal food after three or four weeks, this diet isn’t going to work for you. Quit. If you’re starting to savor and enjoy things like oatmeal and creamy nonfat plain yogurt, you have a fighting chance. If lightly boiled broccoli with nothing but a splash of soy sauce tastes scrumptious, you’re in like Flynn.
–Life is a journey. It should be hard, filled with toil, pitted with obstacles, fraught with danger, and should wring from you every last ounce of effort in your body, mind, and soul. Anything less and you’ve betrayed the gift. Anything less and the treasure will elude you. The soft and creampuff road through life ends in bankruptcy. Just ask Hostess.
–Hunger is our natural state, is the state of all wild things, and without it we become slothful in appearance and thought. Embrace the hunger so that you can more deeply appreciate the brief interludes of satiety. And remember: If all else fails, eat ice cream.